Worst Hip-Hop Jobs: Jay-Z’s Family Bodyguard, Weed Carriers, Nicki Minaj’s Wig Stylist & More
At the hip-hop job fair, everyone crowds the MC booth, and it’s not just for the free pens and keychains, though they are pretty dope. Since the mid-’80s, when they surpassed DJs, B-boys and graffiti artists to become the spokespeople for their musical culture, rappers have held the game’s most glamorous gig. Unfortunately, not everyone can get onstage and rock the mic. The industry needs behind-the-scenes peeps — faceless, nameless, chainless minions to help the music get made and the artists get paid.
Some lackey positions aren’t so bad, and if you’re willing to swallow your pride and hold Diddy‘s umbrella for awhile, you might wind up like valet-turned-minor-celeb Fonzworth Bentley. Other jobs, however, offer less opportunity for advancement. Even at a time of sky-high unemployment, many Americans would probably think twice before applying for any of what we’ve deemed the 10 worst jobs in hip-hop.
Our picks range from monotonous to straight-up dangerous, and if we at The BoomBox feel for the folks who do these jobs, it’s probably because we see in them a bit of ourselves. We, too, toil on the fringes of the music we love, reporting, critiquing, hyping and occasionally hating but never actually hopping onstage and realizing our rap dreams. We get as close as we can, and that’s good enough.At least we don’t have to tote anyone’s umbrella.
Lil Wayne’s Wikipedia “Discography” Updater
Before you finish reading this post, Weezy will drop two mixtapes and guest on three singles. He’ll also announce a smooth-jazz fusion record, which is fine with us, so long as he keeps that electric guitar in the closet. With every new Wayne release, it’s someone’s task to note the date, format and label. It’s a full-time job that offers no financial compensation, and no matter how many people are responsible for keeping the page up to date, you can bet they’re working their asses off.
Snoop Dogg’s Tour Bus Driver
The Doggfather’s coach looks to state cops and border-patrol officials like a fat T-bone does to starving Rottweilers. If you’re driving this sucker, you’re in for a lot of stops and lengthy searches, so it’s best to bring a book. On the bright side, you’ll see, hear and smell enough crazy shiz to eventually write your own.
Guy Who Cleans Up After a Rap Show
Hip-hop concerts always start and end late, so working the venue cleanup crew means gazing with bleary eyes at mountains of beer bottles, blunt wrappers, snack bags, shell casings, and other detritus. Once people start waving their hands in the air like they just don’t care, they seldom go looking for the proper refuse receptacles.
Bodyguard for Jay-Z & Beyonce’s Daughter Blue Ivy
Best case, you keep 24/7 watch on Jay-Z and Beyonce’s baby, pretending you don’t have to pee. Worst case, you roll with a rougher character and get shot at all the time. Also, if your boss busts a cap in anyone, you’ll probably take the rap. Bored, dead, incarcerated: You can’t win.
Tax Attorney for Lil’ Kim, Big Boi, MC Hammer, Nas & Many More
Lil’ Kim: more than $1 million. Big Boi: $50,000. MC Hammer: $775,000. Nas: over $6 million. Lil Wayne: $5.6 million. Bow Wow: $91,000. Snoop Dogg: $476,000. Doug E. Fresh: $2 million. Swizz Beatz: $2.6 million. Ja Rule: $3 million. Beanie Sigel: $350,000. Xzibit: almost $1 million. All these artists have owed serious paper to the IRS. Our hunch: crunching numbers for rhymers is as complicated as it is infuriating, especially if you’re hired late in the game, after Uncle Sam has begun dropping liens.
Birdman’s Car Washer
This one sounds great, but after shining up a few dozen luxury automobiles, your wax-on, wax-off arm gets pretty weary. And imagine if you screw up and scratch Baby’s $8 million Maybach Exelero? You’d better have a speedy ride of your own to get the hell out of there.
Nicki Minaj’s Hair Stylist
Most eccentrics are difficult to deal with, and as much as Nicki digs those crazy fashions, we’re guessing she’s not big on sitting still while stylists glue weaves and pink wigs to her head. Hopefully, when she gets testy, she does so in character, bitching assistants out as Roman Zolanski, Rosa and her various other alter egos.
The Weed Carrier
You think a rap superstar is going to risk getting busted? Maybe, but it’s more likely someone in their crew is going to play chronic caddie. The Indo holder is a popular guy at the party, but when the law busts in, no one’s seen him before in their lives.