7:56 pm: We're one hour from the year's biggest party: the MTV VMAs -- better known this year as Britney's Big Comeback. We have our seatbelts on. You know, just in case.

8:01 pm: MTV launches with the requisite pre-party and red carpet arrivals, live from the Palms Casino in Las Vegas. Holy bleach blonde, Batman! VJ John Norris looks kind of like a mini Perez Hilton tonight, no?

8:03 pm: Pete Wentz is without a hoodie. This is like that 'Seinfeld' episode where everything is opposite. Does this mean Britney will be wearing underwear?

8:06 pm: MTV introduces their own fashion gauge for the evening: Jackpot or Jacknot. Get it? Vegas. Jackpot. Oh MTV, you keep us young.

8:11 pm:
Our first, legit Jacknot. Lil Mama. Her poufy lavender get up looks curiously like one of the kids from Munchkinland ... on crack.

8:15 pm:
Nelly Furtado is a blonde now. Five bucks said she and Norris planned this after they got their manis and pedis.

8:24 pm:
Common calls Chris Brown a Jackpot. In any other context, we'd raise an eyebrow.

8:26 pm: Now next to Norris: Boys Like Girls, who, interestingly it seems, also like wearing girls' pants.

8:31pm:
Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger and Lil Wayne offer up the first live performance of the night -- one from which we learned the many acrobatics one can do in a metal box and short skirt.

8:39 pm:
System of a Down's Serj Tankian, who will be playing in the Foo Fighters' suite, tells our Popeater Vegas correspondent that he has a little surprise in store this evening. "Dave [Grohl] called me and asked me if I want to do a cover," he says. "I can't say what it is, but it'll be fun."

8:43 pm: Kanye West looks like a gentleman and cops to what we all knew: 50 vs. Kanye is purely a publicity stunt.

8:45 pm: What we also knew: Jennifer Garner is hot.

8:49 pm: Paris Hilton is bringing 'Dynasty' back.

8:51 pm: Panic! At the Disco tells Popeater their VMA weekend highlight was watching Season One of '24' on DVD.

8:57pm:
Grohl reveals the Tankian duet will be a Dead Kennedys tune.

8:59 pm:
It's Britney, b****!

9:01 pm: Rihanna's face reads: "Oh no she di'in't."

9:02 pm: Britney looks almost as bored as we are. Ashlee should've given her some lip-syncing lessons. She seemed to completely forget to sing along to her classy new tagline. Brit-Brit is rusty, but her backup dancers are doing a great job at least, hanging from go-go poles and what-not.

9:04 pm: Sarah Silverman: "Have you seen Britney's kids? They are the most adorable mistakes." And then made the most vulgar lip gesture we've seen on broadcast television in recent memory.

9:10 pm: Rihanna wins Monster Single of the Year for 'Umbrella' and hobbles on stage, ella-ella-ella.

9:24 pm: Jennifer Hudson and Robin Thicke present Justin Timberlake with the first-ever Quadruple Threat Award. Timberlake challenges MTV to play more videos. We knew he was the smartest Mouseketeer. In other news, Bono lost to a Mouseketeer.

9:27 pm:
Fall Out Boy are trashing their performance suite. Pete Wentz, meet cliche. Cliche, Pete Wentz.

9:33 pm:
Kanye and 50 team to present the award for Most Earth-Shattering Collaboration. Beyonce and Shakira win. Hey, it's a frat boy's world and we're just livin' in it.

9:41pm: Oh, look. A rapper, a go-go dancer and a pole.

9:42 pm:
Chris Brown makes his VMA performance debut. His lip-synching is about on par with Brit's.

9:46 pm:
Aw, yeah! Rihanna takes the stage for 'Umbrella' ella-ella-ella ey, ey, ey. As for those Ashanti blew up Janet Jackson-style rumors: as if.

9:49 pm: Now Brown's just showing off, kickin' it Jacko style. Nelly looks skurred.

9:55 pm: Justin Timberlake wins the Male of the Year Award and admits his Chris Brown boy crush. Looks like Common's got some competition.

10:07 pm: Female Arist of the Year is Fergie, y'all.

10:08 pm: Pamela Anderson gets up on a table to make her presentation. 'Nuff said.

10:09 pm: Another Kanye West performance. By our watch, it's only 7:09 pm in Vegas, yet It's dark outside. Turns out that whole "Live from Vegas" thing had some fine print.

10:20 pm: Will someone hug Chester Bennington, please? Seriously. Maybe just give him an ice cream cone. Those are nice.

10:23 pm: Fall Out Boy win Group of the Year. Good to see presenter, 'Entourage' star Adrian Grenier, dressed for the occasion.

10:24 pm: Finally, the Tankian-Foos take of the Dead Kennedys' 'Holiday in Cambodia.' Jackpot.

10:30 pm: Rihanna and Fall Out Boy team for 'Shut Up and Drive.' Patrick Stump is officially in with the hot chicks.

10:34 pm: Alicia Keys and her hair saves the VMAs from its soul-destroying lack of talent. A George Michael cover saves the show from completely sucking. Irony?

10:46 pm: Jamie Foxx's stage banter: awkward and charmingly self-serving.

10:47 pm: Best New Artist goes to Gym Class Heroes. Also, awkward. Like Winehouse needs another sorrow to drown.

10:49 pm: Ms. South Carolina reminds us why the world needs more Tina Fey's. As if the pole-dancers didn't.

10:56 pm: An uber-buff Dr. Dre gets a much-deserved standing ovation from the crowd before presenting Rihanna with the Video of the Year award for 'Umbrella.' But you probably figured that much.

11:04 pm: Fat lady, sing please?

11:05 pm: Nope. Just Nelly Furtado. By the by, Christina Aguilera called and she wants her image back.

11:07 pm: More JT. More Timbaland. We call this the ego-stroke remix.

11:11 pm: Stick a fork in 'em, folks. We're off to LAX to drink mimosas and hug it out with Britney. Or not.